


Every single day

by Caladenia



Series: The Early Days [9]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Amnesia, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, shuttle crash, tropes galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:27:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26524447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caladenia/pseuds/Caladenia
Summary: Janeway and Chakotay rethink what being a first officer means to them.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: The Early Days [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/749403
Comments: 25
Kudos: 87
Collections: XOs for the XOs





	Every single day

**Author's Note:**

> My thanks to my beta extraordinaire, BlackVelvet42. She is not to be blamed for the end result.

“Thank God, you are awake. I was beginning to—"

The muzzle of the phaser didn’t waver. Neither did his voice. “Put your hands up so I can see them.”

“Chakotay, what’s going on? It’s me…” She dropped the bundle of sticks in the dirt, dumbfounded when his face didn’t relax into a smile. “Captain Janeway.”

If she had known he would regain consciousness while she was away gathering firewood, she would have stuck around. She knew all too well the mental confusion that often followed the kind of injuries her first officer had suffered.

Chakotay shuffled on his made-up bed. Slowly, he used his free hand to sit up against the back wall of the cave, the thermal blanket sliding down to his lap. A sheen of perspiration on his forehead and pursed lips were the only indicators he was hurting badly.

“You shouldn’t be moving,” she said, crossing the floor to help.

A sharp flick of the weapon stopped her, and she opened her hands to show she intended no harm. With a concussion, broken pelvis and shattered leg, his disorientation was understandable, but they were in enough trouble without her getting incapacitated because of a misconception as to who he thought she was.

“Where am I?” he said between gritted teeth. His eyes kept jumping from her to the few bits and pieces she’d pried from the shuttle before the damn thing had exploded.

“We were in the shuttle and we crashed. I found this cave. It’s safer here.” She kept her answers short, not wanting to overwhelm him with information. “Just a normal day in the Delta quadrant,” she added, trying to make light of their predicament.

“The Delta quadrant? What are you talking about? Where’s my crew?”

Her heart sank. How much had he forgotten of what had happened since the Caretaker incident? “Your crew is unharmed. It’s just the two of us here.” Before he could interject, she went on. “Look, it will be dark in an hour or so. We need to relight the fire.”

Disregarding the phaser pointing at her chest and without waiting for his permission, she retrieved the branches she had collected, then squatted gingerly near a circle of scorched rocks. His gaze followed her every move while she built a pile of twigs and tinder on top of cold coals.

“How long ago was the crash?”

“Two days.”

He glanced outside, but there wasn’t much to see through the narrow opening. An orange sky laden with dark clouds overlooked rocky slopes as far as the eye could travel. A few shrubs and stunted trees, or what passed for trees here, hung for sheer life to giant boulders, and large bird-like creatures flew in leisurely circles above the valley, looking for their next meal. Another desolate and uninhabited world like so many they’d surveyed lately.

“Would you mind?” she tilted her head at the fire pit. “It gets cold quickly once the sun sets, and the local nightlife isn’t very friendly.”

His face still showing no sign he’d recognised her, he lowered the phaser power to bring the small pile to life. The red glow stressed the deep shadows under his cheekbones and the bruised side of his face, from the temple to the jaw.

“So, we’re stuck here.”

Caution laced his voice. If she’d been in his place, waking up in a strange place and confused about who her interlocutor was, she would also try balancing her need for more information and not wanting to divulge how little she knew.

“I sent a distress call before the shuttle went down. I couldn't wait for an answer, but I'm sure we’ll hear from the ship soon.”

Two days and no _Voyager_ in sight didn’t bore well for a quick rescue, though. The few emergency rations she’d managed to save would keep them alive for a while, but Chakotay wasn’t healing as fast as she’d hoped. He needed proper medical care, and urgently. At least he was alert and awake now, even if his mind was stuck in the past. Surely, a progress of some sort.

“How did I end up in a shuttle with a Starfleet captain? Did you come after the _Val Jean_?” His eyes were drawn to her face, then settled on the low flames as if uncertain why he kept looking at her.

“Yes,” she said slowly, not knowing how much to tell him. “But—"

He waved his hand impatiently. “Tell me more.”

“I followed you in the Badlands, but by the time I caught up with you, both our ships had been thrown into the Delta quadrant by a powerful entity,” she said, feeding a few larger branches to the fire. “A bunch of aggressive aliens attacked us, and you sacrificed your ship to help mine escape. You and your crew have been on board _Voyager_ ever since.”

Told like that, bare of any context and details, the story did sound far-fetched. She had never counted on her first officer not recalling the twist of fate which had seen them work together after only a few days.

He snorted, then held his chest, grimacing. “A nice tale, but you’re going to have to do better than that. _Voyager,_ you said? Never heard of it and I’ve made it my job to research every Starfleet ship and captain which could track us down. None would have been able to survive the Badlands.”

“It’s a new ship,” she said, with a smile, arms around her legs. “ _Intrepid_ class. Very fast. Very agile.”

“I assume you captured us, then.” His jaw tensed, and the phaser was back, aimed straight at her. “I won’t ask again. What did you do with my crew?”

“They’re fine. Some of my people got killed during our rough ride from the Alpha quadrant, and your crew has replaced them.”

“Why do I find that hard to believe? You gave us an ultimatum, didn’t you? It was that or you would throw them in the brig for the rest of their lives.”

“What?” She lifted her chin. “No. Merging our two crews was the only reasonable thing to do under the circumstances,” she pleaded. “We had to set aside our differences and work for the benefit of all.”

He said nothing for a while and she poked at the fire, sparks flying out. She had no idea how to tell him that he was first officer on the very same Starfleet ship which had been ordered to bring him to justice. It was a lot to take in if he had no memories of his time on _Voyager_.

He nodded slowly. “All right. I’ll accept that for the moment. But then, what am I doing here?” His eyes narrowed. “If I was a Starfleet captain in your situation, I wouldn’t trust a Maquis leader not to take advantage of the situation. So, did you make a deal with me? My crew’s safety for stranding me here?”

Oblivious to the pain lancing her back, she stood, appalled that he would think she would be capable of such a ruthless act. Or was it what he’d been expecting she would ask of him when called to her ready room to discuss his future and that of his crew? Had he been ready to endure such a dire and unjust fate to save his people?

Her shoulders dropped, and she turned away. She couldn’t deny the very same thought that he might mutiny had come to her while debating what to do with him at the time. But he had proven to be trustworthy to a fault, and she had thanked her good luck ever since for having him by her side.

“It didn’t happen like that,” she said, hesitating. What was his damaged mind telling him? Why should he trust her? He wasn’t her first officer anymore. He was the dark and threatening leather-wearing Maquis leader who had materialised on _Voyager_ ’s bridge, ready to phaser Paris and then deal with her as he saw fit. But underneath the anger and the hurt, he was the same man she’d known for four months now. Supportive, curious, tolerant, with a quirky sense of humour. She had to help him haul himself out of the depths of his pain and confusion.

“But something went wrong,” he continued, “And now you’re trapped here with a wanted man you were supposed to take prisoner.”

She spun around, hands on hips. “That’s enough paranoia, Chakotay. Why do you think you are wearing a commander bar on your neck and a Starfleet uniform?”

Frowning, he fingered the insignia with his free hand. “I killed one of your officers? Took you hostage?” He didn’t seem to quite believe his own words.

“No, you didn’t. You couldn’t have,” she answered with as much conviction as she could master. “I know you too well, you see. I did make you an offer. Which you accepted.”

His sneer deepened. “What could you offer me that I would accept so readily?”

“To become _Voyager_ ’s first officer. To work under me.”

He lowered the phaser, but she persisted, not wanting to let him think of an alternative where he would not be standing alongside her on the bridge. “You accepted the position because we have a better chance to make it home together.”

And that was the bare truth, she suddenly realised. Despite all those weeks and months working together, only now, on this miserable planet which didn’t deserve a name, did she grasp the undeniable fact that most of what she’d been able to achieve so far had been due to him. To his strength, his skills, his quiet passion for life and for doing the right thing.

It was mind shattering how much she owed him.

How much she needed him.

He might have glimpsed those thoughts fleeting over her face because his gaze faltered under hers, as though, from a split moment, he was back on _Voyager_ , leaning over the console between their command seats with a quip and a smile.

“You remember, don’t you?” she asked, relieved he was coming back to her.

He shook his head, as much to tell her he didn’t, it seemed, as to convince himself what she was saying couldn’t be true. “No. That’s not possible. I resigned from Starfleet and swore on the memory of my father that I would not return until the Cardassians were off my planet. Until my people were safe.”

Stung by his outburst, she watched him push against the wall to stand.

He was right. She had taken his acquiescence as a given, never asking how much it must have cost him to conform to Starfleet rules again, when the very same organisation had let his people down. How could she have ever thought he’d accepted her offer to become her first officer with no qualms at all? She’d never questioned whether he was content in his new role. She had not asked about his needs, his wants. Had not thought about the man behind the plain uniform. She had taken him for granted until he laid bleeding in her arms.

The ends of the splints holding his broken leg caught on the rough floor, and he swayed under the strain of keeping himself upright. She reacted at his grunt of pain and rushed to his help, paying no attention to the phaser he still held. Whoever he thought he was, whoever he believed she was, he would never shoot her.

“You need to lie down. You shouldn’t be standing.” She slipped a shoulder under his arm and took most of his weight, biting her lower lip at the strain on her back. Chakotay had borne the brunt of the shuttle crash, but she had not escaped unscathed herself. Ignoring her own half-healed injuries, she carefully lowered him down, then put one hand on his chest to keep him still while grabbing the tricorder lying at the head of the makeshift bed with the other.

Both pelvis and leg bones were mending, according to the medical device. The low-grade infection he had presented overnight had also abated. Despite his recent exertion, he was breathing much easier now, his heart strong under her fingers. She gave him a wide smile, hoping to reassure him. Somehow, and with very little aid from her, he was getting better. That man was a true fighter.

Before she could go on with her examination, his hand gripped her arm. “I am a Maquis and now Starfleet. You were sent to hunt me down but made me your first officer. I want to understand why.”

“I was ordered to take you prisoner, that is true. But the only duty I have now is to get _Voyager_ and everyone on it, whether Starfleet or Maquis, home. And for that, I need you to be by my side again.” This didn’t sound as professional as she’d hoped. “ _Voyager_ needs you to be that first officer,” she said, chasing a speck of dirt off his chest.

“You chose me because I can placate the Maquis crew, so they don’t cause you any problem. That’s what my role is, isn’t?” His tone was inquiring now.

“No. At the beginning maybe. But…” How could she tell him what he meant to her now without, well, telling him? She fell back to her trusted ways. “You are Commander Chakotay of the Federation starship _Voyager_. That is who you are to the entire crew now, former Maquis and Starfleet alike. Who you are to me as the captain.” She waited. What else could she say or do to convince him?

Puzzlement fleeted across his eyes, rather than mistrust and outright denial as before. “Then why do I feel like I’m still missing something? Something important? If what you are saying is true, make me remember.”

With her help, he pushed himself to a sitting position. “How long have I been on your ship?”

“Four months.”

His voice dipped. “Four months.” Then he squeezed her hand as if to say, _I’ll deal with that later_. “And what does a first officer do on _Voyager_?” he asked.

She sat on the dirt, not letting go of his hand. “The usual. Rosters, reports, requisitions. Firing torpedoes on occasions. Keeping the crew’s morale up. Helping them through their grief at what they’ve lost.”

“A home. Families. Friends.” It was not a question. Of course, he would know about such immeasurable losses.

“Yes. All that. It’s been hard on them.”

Should she confess that it had been her decision which had stranded both their crews in the Delta quadrant? If he resented her choice to come to the aid of the Ocampa to the detriment of the lives and futures of one hundred and forty people, he had never said. She was grateful he had not confronted her about it, but maybe, this Chakotay, the one who had forgotten about it all, would be less appreciative and more judgemental of the truth.

“And what about you? What does a first officer do for his captain?”

She watched his chest rising and ebbing. “Taking on more responsibilities than I can handle, giving me advice, keeping me safe,” she said, internally wincing at the thought of what she had put him through over the past few months. He had done so much more, of course. He’d shown her different ways to deal with what confronted them every day. He’d kept her from breaking apart at the immensity of the task ahead of them.

He’d kept her alive in more ways than one.

“Great place I’ve found to keep you safe,” he said with a self-deprecating smirk, making a show of looking around the cave. Then his face grew earnest. “If I did accept the role of my own volition, I would want to think that I am fulfilling my duty to the best of my abilities.” His fingers brushed her knuckles, and she fought the well-ingrained reflex to pull her hand back.

“You do, Chakotay. You do. Every single day.” She intertwined his hand with hers. “I couldn’t have asked for a better first officer.”

He smiled, and weren’t those dimples to die for, then his eyes clouded. “Four months, though…”

“What do you remember?” she asked, disappointed the man she’d come to know and value beyond words might be lost forever.

Deep lines appeared on his forehead. “I am on the _Val Jean_ , hounded by a Cardassian ship. We are losing engines, and I order the ship into a plasma storm. Nothing that we haven’t done before, but something else follows us and hits the ship, a displacement wave big enough to carry us with it.”

“ _Voyager_ suffered the same fate a few days later, and both our ships ended up seventy-five thousand light-years from home. Together, we investigated the mystery, retrieved our crews, fought against the local bullies. And then, set a course home.”

“I have no memories of any of that. Next thing, I wake up here.”

“In the hands of a Starfleet captain, somebody you consider your enemy. I can’t imagine what it must feel like,” she said, dipping her head and letting go of him.

“Oh, I am beginning to think there could be worst places to be.” A shy grin came to him, as if he wasn’t sure if he should say that, but saying it anyway.

She felt a flush of embarrassment warm her cheeks and shifted her position, flinching at the movement.

“Are you hurt?” he asked with some urgency, his hand back and supporting her arm.

“Just a glancing blow to the back when the shuttle exploded. It’s getting better,” she said, rolling her shoulders carefully. A sharp twinge made her wince again.

“Let me see.”

“I’m fine,” she said on automatic. “Really,” she retorted at his frown.

“I understand.” His hand dropped at his side, and he turned his face away, leaving her floundering.

All he was asking was for her to trust him, not the commander she knew but he couldn’t remember. Her discomfort at exposing her back was a small price to pay to gain his confidence. She turned around, carefully took her grimy jacket off and lifted her shirt to mid-riff. “You know, Chakotay,” she said over her shoulder, “it’s not because—”

“A glancing blow?” His fingers glided over her tender skin, making her shiver under his warm touch. Before she could say anything, he pushed the shirt higher, frustration rising in his voice. “It looks to me like you were in the thick of it. You should have said something much earlier.”

It was hard to believe that this man had known her for less than an hour, but his concern for her was unmistakable, plainly coming from a much deeper place than mere memories which could be easily altered or erased. 

He passed the dermal regenerator over the damage to her back, and she dipped her chin to her chest at the feeling of relief. Chakotay was the same man after all. Sensitive, considerate, kind. Caring.

“So, is that how we work together?” he said. “Healing each other’s wounds?”

She jerked her head up then froze, thankful he couldn’t see her expression because she had no idea how to answer his incisive question.

And as she would expect from her first officer, he pulled back, sensing he’d gone too far. “Sorry, that was presuming of me.” He pushed her shirt down. “Tell me about the crash,” he asked instead, while turning off the tricorder.

The conversation off a subject that was much too dangerous for her to deal with right now, she swivelled to face him. “The shuttle got caught in an ion storm coming out of nowhere. We crash-landed on the planet, but while I only suffered minor cuts and bruises, you were hurt very badly. I made a mayday call before smoke started to seep in the cabin. We had to get out, so I grabbed the emergency survival kit and pulled you out a couple of minutes before the explosion.”

He frowned. “If you were pulling me out, you couldn’t have got that injury to your lower back. You would have had to turn to—” his eyes widened “—you put yourself between me and the blast. Why?”

It was pretty evident why. “You were unconscious. I had to protect you. I would have done the sam—”

“And you got me up here all on your own?”

“We spent the first night on the valley floor, but it was too exposed. You might not have survived a second one. I had to find a safer place.” What else was she supposed to have done?

His brown eyes searched hers. Intent, perceptive, as he always was with her.

“There’s more, isn’t there?”

She looked down at her hands. The man had lost his memories of ever coming to _Voyager_ , and there he was, bringing to the open in less than an hour what had slowly grown over four months of going from enemies to so much more than a typical command team. But while she’d denied her growing attraction to her first officer and his thoughtful ways so she could captain her ship, this time there could be no lies or he would sense she was hiding something and their nascent trust would vanish forever. But telling the truth about her feelings was more terrifying than facing a phaser or baring her back to him.

“Yes,” she sighed. “I care about you. More than I'm supposed to.”

She refused to look at him. She refused to see the surprise in his eyes, or worse, the rejection of something as absurd and wrong, when all things were said and done, as a captain falling for her first officer.

“But I haven’t allowed those feelings to jeopardise the crew’s safety,” she continued, the words falling over themselves. “You have to understand. I can’t talk about it. I can’t—”

He brought his hand to her chin and gently turned her face towards him before putting a finger to her lips. Her eyes met his, and he smiled, gently, softly, as though what she’d said had brought him the peace he'd been looking for since waking up.

“Then, don’t,” he said. “I will never ask of you to tell me about your feelings until you are ready to talk about them.”

She tried to speak, but he would have none of it. “And if you’ll have me again, I’ll consider it an honour to be your first officer when we return to _Voyager_. Even if I never remember who I was during those past few months, I want to be the man whom you trust every single day with your ship, your crew, and your life.”

When she nodded, a thank you on her lips and awe in her heart that this man had chosen twice now to stand by her side, Chakotay smiled and let her go.

**Author's Note:**

> With a nod to Stargate SG-1 Episode s04e05 _Divide and Conquer_.


End file.
